When it is a holiday duration, its time for a beach vacation.
The fresh humid air and the sound of cracking waves cast a spell that can’t be described in words.
You are all set with perfectly packed luggage and have already checked 100 times if you haven’t forgotten anything, especially your beachwear just to get the perfect view with a pint in hand. But do you think you’ll get to enjoy that perfect view as you imagined? No way, Jose.
Only if you are lucky enough to come across an unexplored island, you can be sure that your prayers have been answered. Not before.
The reason why I say this is because I have been on beaches, several beaches actually. And I never fail to spot these unique species of people that are there to add the fun (or not) in your beach adventure.
And trust me, you’ll relate to them too. Here are the types of folks you would definitely run into on Indian beaches-
1. The binocular eyed starers who molest the phuk outta you just with their eyes
You can never outrun them. Wherever you go, they follow. These A-holes just never give up. Even if you change places, wear shades, or walk to the other end of the beach- their gaze will escort you. In some cases, they might even drop you back to your hotel with their eyes.
2. The drunk AF peeps who have no idea where they are
These drunk folks basically confuse the beach with their personal backyard. They shout, howl, puke, fall, sleep…(get married..have kids…blah ..blah) on the beach itself. They don’t realize the presence of other things that are as much alive as they are, including humans.
3. The loner seeking solace in the tides
You will never fail to spot an ultra-sad guy who is hopelessly watching the waves and cursing his bad luck for being dumped. The gloominess of his face and the ‘I-am-about-to-die-because-of-break-up’ body language will make you feel sorry for his loss. (even when you don’t know what the phuk is going on in his life, lol)
4. The horny couple who needs to get a room ASAP
There would be that one couple on the beach who takes pride in ruining the atmosphere for everyone at any cost. It usually begins with a hand around the waist and goes up to a full-power cheap display of fake-love. You might end up changing the location of your beach to avoid them altogether.
5. The first-timers who have never seen so much water in their life
You will never find as much enthusiasm in anyone that you will in the first time beachgoers. No matter if they run over you, push you, create a sandstorm by running like crazy on the beach, you can’t do shit about it. After all, they are here for the first time. And who are you to put a stop on their sky-high excitement? Eh!
6. The photo-crazies who are just on the beach for a photoshoot
These selfie lovers don’t care about the beach vibe. They literally see the ocean through their lenses and snapchat filters. They don’t care about anything but how they look in the frame. My question is, why do they waste time traveling to a beach when they can edit the background on their phone? Just download the photoshop, much simpler no?
7. Loud EDM lovers who carry their own DJ console
These adrenaline-pumped people will take away the last drop of peace left on the beach. Their main focus is to spread the love for their EDM beats in the air. You can spot them with those JBL speakers that are super-loud. And god knows how they keep it charged, but they somehow do. So, all you can do is just pack your things and leave if you want to escape from their music-pollution. And if not, consider it in the way that ‘you have a DJ for free’.
8. The dog-lovers who think of the beach as a dog-park
I love dogs. But I don’t like dogs peeing and pooing on the beach as if it’s a dog park. You can very easily spot a dog-owner not caring about what his dog is up to on the beach. The dog can do whatever he wants and even end up ruining your trip to the beach in ways you can’t even imagine. And if you are scared of dogs, only god can help you.
9. Those who came to take a
skinny salwar kameez dip
You can absolutely relate to this one. Each and every one of you has seen aunties in sarees & salwar and uncles in half-pant & brown & blue underwears having the time of their lives on the beach. Do they care? NO. But they sure do ruin your fantasy of watching hot guys in shorts and bikini-clad butterflies cat-walking on the beach. Alas, there is nothing you can do about it.
10. The sea-shell pickers
These dedicated sea-shell hunters have one task to do. Find as many shells and they sure make you wonder how dedicated they are to their jobs. You’ll never find them giggling or gossiping while they are on the hunt. They are just adorable to look at. And you might end up becoming a fan of them shell pickers. *wink*
11. That frustrated Indian whose trip is incomplete without a selfie with a foreigner
If you are a foreigner, you know the feeling. It sucks, I know. But you will never fail to spot a despo who is after the life of any foreigner (be it, guy or girl). They keep begging foreigners unless they agree to get a selfie clicked with them.
12. Those who keep annoying others by asking about new and unexplored beaches in India
The mouth-braggers are the species that will make your ears bleed by their on and on and on questions about unexplored beaches in India. You can hear the desperation of knowing about new places in their voice tone which is so shrill that makes you wanna run far far away. Especially, when they inquire about nude beach on every shack they visit.
13. Those who are running out of life because of absence of weed (and all they ask is, ‘bass ek joint ka chahiye’)
The lookout for Weed can be a tiresome task and if you don’t know where to score from, you’re screwed. This phenomenon results in the birth of ‘ Weed-onlooker’ who will bug almost every young person detected in their radar. It might be a possibility that they never end up buying anything, but their hullabaloo for weed is worth watching.
14. The sneaky compareres who keep talking about foreign beaches
Some people (who have visited foreign beaches just once in their lifetime) can’t stop their obsession with foreign beaches. The whole while, all you’ll get to hear is how cool was the beach in the Bahamas or how clear was the water in Bora Bora island. What they basically do is bore you to death by their constant blabbering, while you secretly wish them to die.
15. The restless souls searching for their dream-bikini-gurl
No matter how hard you try, you can’t escape the gaze of a shuffler. This variety of guys have wheels tied to their feet. They never settle down and chill. They keep moving to and fro along the coastline until they spot a girl. Their whole life seems to depend on how many girls did they check out on the beach.
16. The ones who want to measure the depth of ocean single-handedly
Last but not the least are those who annoy the coast-guard to the core. Yes, I am talking about those daring souls who wander far off in the sea and get themselves in trouble. In 90% of the cases, their quest ends, when the lifeguard drags them out of the sea. But hey, at least he wasn’t a chicken. He did try to measure how deep is the sea. Right?